Portrait of Godly Wife, Part 5

I have been doing a lot of introspection these past couple of months. I have prayed and asked God to open the eyes of my heart so that I may see the iniquity that is within. He has brought so many things to light and for that I am very thankful. It is amazing how we accept the identities we have built for ourselves. The truth is any identity not founded in Christ is fallible. It is important to examine my idea of who I am because it colors my identity as a wife and mother.

I consider myself a strong woman and I have taken pride in that, I have also placed a lot of value in my achievements, be it academically, career wise, a homemaker, wife, mother, Christian etc. Excelling in all these areas has been very important to me. These expectations and my belief in thinking that I knew what was best, has caused me to sin against God and the people I love. I have flaunted my well thought out plans before God, questioned him incessantly about the paths he puts before me. I have undermined my husband's role as head of our home with my "know it all" attitude. The human heart is so deceitful that it justifies our sin to us.

I justified that if God knew me before I was born, if he had empowered me with his spirit, then I could do ALL things. Yes, at every turn I used MY effort, My intelligence, MY tenacity to trudge on in life. With one hand I would pat myself on the back and with the other praise God for the wisdom and strength he had given me so I could be as AWESOME as possible. I sought to control God and everything around me because I had carved out the perfect course for my life and with the power he had given me, I could have it ALL.

Not . So. I didn't know that I had to surrender and let Him live through me. I thought I had to live and he would help me along. The fallacy in the latter is that I am still using my effort. When he lives through me, I am abased so he can be gloried.  For me I find that a lot of my actions and controlling nature stems from distrust. If I can control, then outcome is guaranteed. There is no need to trust another if I have all the control.

I cannot become a Godly wife with this attitude, the expectations I set will forever be beyond my reach if God is not living through me. I want to be a wife molded by God just for my husband not my idea of who I think a wife should be. In order to do this, I must let go of my identity in Tsotsoo and hold fast to my identity in Christ.. My prayer is that  My beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of my inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. ⁵ For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. (1 Peter 3:4-5)